Was Coca-Cola Released as a SECRET SPERMICIDE?
The proof is in the pudding... or in this case, lab tests performed on the soda....
Yeah, we all already knew soda isn’t healthy, but would anyone have ever suspected it could have been intentionally designed to “immobilize” and “explode sperm”? The men in the audience might need a shot of Jack to get through this article, but be sure to tell the bartender, “Hold off on the Coke”…
Jeez, where to begin with this post. I guess I’ll start with this; being from Michigan, we call it “pop”. I will try my best to use the terms “soda” and “soft drink”, but please forgive my Midwest slang if I slip up.
Coca Cola was first invented in the 1800s, by John Pemberton, a pharmacist from Atlanta, Georgia, who made the original formula in his backyard. Pemberton’s recipe contained cocaine in the form of an extract of the coca leaf, which inspired the “Coca” part of the beverage’s name. The “Cola” comes from the kola nut (which contains caffeine, another stimulant). Fun Fact: By some estimates, the American public was consuming as much cocaine in 1906 as it would in 1976, and with only half the population. It is also rumored that this is directly attributed to sodas. It’s safe to say that, back then, “A coke and a smile” was pretty much exactly what you were going to have.
When cocaine was banned from public use and eliminated as an ingredient in drinks and medicine, coke replaced it with more caffeine. Zing!
It took until 1915 for the soda to start being truly processed then bottled. No more need for the soda fountain, now you can buy a pack of bottles from the store and get wired on your couch every night of the week.
WHAT’S IN THE COKES “SECRET BLEND”?
Interestingly, Coca-Cola has chosen to Trademark their beverage instead of patenting it. Want to know why? In order to be granted a patent from the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO), an applicant has to fully disclose what exactly what is in its beverage. As long as Coke can keep the formula “reasonably” secret, then the trade secret protection lasts forever. Believe it or not, the ingredients do not have to be entirely secret, meaning that more people beyond senior executives at Coke can know the formula. This allows for employees to order the ingredients and manufacturers to know exactly what is going in those bottles, as well as …who knows who else. I promise I’m not wearing a tinfoil hat right now, but I would have to assume doctors and scientists are in on this secret. With that being said, the people who don’t know the ingredients seem to be the ones consuming the drink… and, also, I assume the FDA, because those guys are Bernie Bros who are always like, “I don’t need to waste my time reviewing it to know it’s safe for consumption”. If you have spent time researching Trademark Protection and Proprietary Blends, you already know that this cloud of secrecy allows them to alter the formula without the buyer ever knowing. I could easily yap your ear off about that insanity for a solid 34 days, or 7 posts, whichever comes first…
What we do know is that, starting in 1980, Coca-Cola began requesting its bottlers to remove up to half of the product's cane sugar; the new sweetener was to be High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS).
And this is where things get weird…
SPERMICIDE? SERIOUSLY?!?!
Pre-1985, Deborah Anderson of Boston University Medical Center had heard a strange rumor that Coke is a great contraceptive, and that it was currently being used as a douche. The claim sounded so absurd that it seemed like an Old Wives Tale as opposed to an alternative birth control. She and her Boston University colleagues began investigating the soft drink (pop! It’s called pop! ).
The researchers conducted their study by adding sperm to five different test tubes. The test tubes contained:
1 Test Tube of “Classic” Coke
1 New Coke
1 Caffeine-Free New Coke"
1 Diet Coke
And the control was 1 tube of saline solution.
After only 1 minute, the sperm in all Coca-Cola samples had significantly reduced mobility, and many were killed, whereas the sperm in the saline solution were swimming like Michael Phelps on a final lap of a championship meet (←those are my words, not hers). Diet Coke had the strongest effect; complete annihilation. Take no prisoners. 0% survival. Wiped out faster than the dinosaurs from the asteroid. Classic Coke was shown to have five times the spermicidal effect of New Coke, with a little under half of the sperm rendered immobile or deceased:
Her findings shocked her. She outlined that, for some reason, sperm cells “soak up” Coca-Cola, then, “The sperm just kind of explode”, she said. She also mentioned that she believes this has something to do with the sugar.
We are nowhere near done with this post, but I have to tell you this: Although High Fructose Corn Syrup replacing cane sugar may not sound very-OMG-OMG-OMG right now, I can tell you that after I wrote this article I continued to look into the sugar, and that turned into a massive rabbit hole; Alice in Wonderland type rabbit hole, tea party and all. Trust me when I say, you don’t want to miss that post because in it we discuss two MEGA important topics; secretly drugged food and fresh produce AND Bill Gates huge boobs (that dudes rack is so big that Tyson chicken company has breast envy). Don’t worry, I’ll add the link to the end of this article.
Back to the story:
She, the scientist lady, Deborah Anderson, went on to publish her findings in the New England Journal of Medicine in a piece titled, “Effect of 'Coke' on Sperm Motility”. (“Motility” is a scientisty way to say “mobility”)
In 1985, Deborah was awarded an Ig Nobel Prize in chemistry for the study. Want to hear the thought in my head right now? You know how when you read someones writings or you hear their voice on a podcast, you get a mental image of what you think they look like? The whole time I was researching this article, I imagined Deborah Anderson to be a crazy cat lady that looks like a more-feminine version of Mitch McConnell and has floor-to-ceiling laboratory shelves lined with Petrie dishes full of bodily fluids that she enjoys holding and meticulously cataloging. But then I found the video below of Mrs. Anderson and she looks like a totally normal soccer mom who finds delight in clipping coupons, shopping at Target and making Pinterest-recipe meatloaf on Sundays. She seems like a 2-cat-maximum person, with one being a Calico named Murphy and the other being a stray that she took in because she has a big heart:
It just goes to show, you can’t judge a book by its cover and you can’t judge a woman by her semen studies.
WHEN COKE WAS ASKED TO COMMENT
When a Coca-Cola spokeswoman was asked to comment on the Ig Nobel award, she refused (for real). …so, there’s that…
THE TAIWANESE COKE-SPERM STUDY
In 1987, a group of Taiwanese doctors were honored for a similar study that found Coca-Cola was not a super effective contraceptive, but they did admit that the soft drink can decrease sperm mobility by as much as 30% within one hour of CONSUMING the beverage. Deborah Anderson said the Taiwanese study used different methodology, therefore the result was different. I say, “either way, wtf? How is everyone overlooking this massive load of wtfage?”. And, after these two studies, it appears no further research has been done since… which is eyebrow-raising, because, based on my research, I discovered that some people began getting very large grants from some companies to do other research…. other research that isn’t this specific research… are you picking up what I’m puttin’ down? By the way, this woman hasn’t visually aged one bit. This is her in 2023:
THE COKE ADS
We still don’t know Cokes trademarked secrets, and it’s highly unlikely that we ever will. However, we do know that consuming the beverage orally can decrease sperm by as much as 1/3, and something in these products, when in direct contact with sperm, causes them to become immobile or die within 60 seconds. Not only do they die, they friggin’ explode. Poor spermies 🥺😢😭. With that in mind, doesn’t it make the “Coke Adds Life” campaign a peculiar choice of wording?
THE “COKE ADDS LIFE” CAMPAIGN
Sometimes you have to laugh at the irony; a product that impairs sperm “adds life”? Whether a sick joke, a poor choice of wording or intentionally following The Law of Karma (=they have to somehow tell you what they are doing to avoid bad karma), it’s really bizarre as a whole. Let’s look at some Coke Adds Life advertisements:
Here's 3 dudes with bad sperm hanging out on the porch:
This advert includes the word Smile, because that's probably what Coke did as they made men their target audience:
This one features Santa, who enjoys Coke and has no children. He’s checking his list twice to double count the number of women who are asking for a fertility clinic visit for Christmas this year:
A young couple who is stoked that they don’t have to waste money on condoms:
Pandering to the French nurses. Little did she know, in 50 years she would be dancing for TikTok videos during a terrible pandemic:
This man is holding a test tube for Mrs. Deborah Anderson in one hand and creating the sample with the other Scientific research:
No wonder their species is going extinct:
Pandering to the Brits:
Pandering to Donald Trump:
Pandering to all of Asia:
Pandering to African Americans (Bill Gates was proud):
Pandering to the sultry Latino Pocahontas-types. Meow… (said Andersons cat):
Pandering to Germany. It was too hard to make a woman eating wiener schnitzel look sexy, so the Germans got a red dot and words:
Pandering to Bill Cosby:
Pandering to Harvey Weinstein:
Pandering to serial killers who collect those creepy dolls:
Doubling-down on serial killers. He wants you to bring more for home because that’s where he will be waiting, hiding in your closet:
Pandering to men who don’t want to pay child support for 18 years:
Pandering to stupid people: At one point they actually claimed Coke would make you smarter (not kidding):
7-Up was like “I want to pander too, has anyone marketed to infants yet?”…
Pandering to businessmen who are too classy to snort a line off a mirror during work hours:
Drink a coke and fly high like Amelia Earhart
Teaching your daughter how to avoid the abortion clinic:
….Said every housewife in 1976…:
Sip, sip, pass. Nobody is getting knocked up tonight:
This lifeguard is going to be dealing with a lot of dead swimmers before dawn:
Ok, I’m done wasting your time with nonsense, let’s move on….
IT GETS EVEN CRAZIER
Hear me out on this… these are the current Coke ingredients:
Which brings us back to that rabbit hole I briefly mentioned earlier, you know, the one with Bill Gates big ol’ jugs? Now it’s time to read Part 2, Secretly Drugging Fresh Produce with Vaccines, but first:
READ NEXT:
SOURCES:
Shttps://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2008-oct-04-sci-ignobel4-story.html
https://www.reuters.com/article/idINIndia-35776120081003
https://www.coca-colacompany.com/about-us/history
https://www.cspinet.org/sites/default/files/attachment/pharmareport.pdf
https://medium.com/age-of-awareness/cokes-secret-formula-literally-slows-down-sperm-1470ecd7f868
https://blogs.luc.edu/ipbytes/2022/12/15/coca-colas-clandestine-operation-the-story-and-the-rationale-behind-the-worlds-greatest-trade-secret/
As a child in the 1950's...I remember a couple came to our school (Parochial School) he was an actor from the 1940's Western movies, a character actor and what I remember is that he told all the children in the audience "never drink Coca Cola. Never." He would take a raw piece of hamburger meat put it in a glass bowl and fill it up with coca cola and by the end of his performance which included rope tricks, singing and playing his guitar, he would show the children how the cola would have completely dissolved the hamburger meat. It was a sludge, he also told us it would dissolve our teeth. Ah those memories from the 50's.
I remember girls in college, to play it safe, using a bottle of Coke as a douche after sex. We're talking about the late 1960's.